he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize