The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
