Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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