I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
