Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
