just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
