your parents love me but you hate me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
