You're a womanizer and a bitch.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
