Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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