are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
