Umm I'm too high to move.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
