Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
