You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
