Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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