it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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