Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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