she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.