i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.