Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral