so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
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is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
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Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The uberlube is also flammable
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party