Texts From Last Night

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  (323): View more from California

  I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.

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  (323): I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps. http://tfl.nu/nh7r
  Replies (6) Good night (1519) Bad night (600)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.

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  (901): Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome. http://tfl.nu/dlib
  Replies (23) Good night (1730) Bad night (3365)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

  (847): View more from Illinois

  And they lived happily ever after....

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  (815): We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal... (847): And they lived happily ever after.... http://tfl.nu/htue
  Replies (22) Good night (1755) Bad night (5227)
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  (315): View more from New York

  Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

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  (315): Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun http://tfl.nu/t9ze
  Replies (20) Good night (1013) Bad night (4894)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

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  (306): You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises http://tfl.nu/ccm4
  Replies (4) Good night (1745) Bad night (1034)
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.

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  (941): I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies. http://tfl.nu/7vuv
  Replies (4) Good night (1571) Bad night (664)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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  (410): Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop. http://tfl.nu/b326
  Replies (18) Good night (747) Bad night (1551)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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  (931): I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here http://tfl.nu/mh8f
  Replies (4) Good night (2226) Bad night (610)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Sorry my hands just texted you

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  (613): Sorry my hands just texted you http://tfl.nu/r5db
  Replies (4) Good night (1182) Bad night (562)
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"

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  (828): Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole" http://tfl.nu/3q74
  Replies (21) Good night (727) Bad night (2167)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.

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  (815): if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover. http://tfl.nu/myhj
  Replies (2) Good night (784) Bad night (607)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.

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  (610): Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day. http://tfl.nu/k3zd
  Replies (3) Good night (551) Bad night (754)
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week

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  (267): I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week http://tfl.nu/wcg4
  Replies (1) Good night (401) Bad night (726)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY

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  (412): GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY http://tfl.nu/10da
  Replies (2) Good night (835) Bad night (399)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.

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  (919): We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks. http://tfl.nu/pidt
  Replies (0) Good night (525) Bad night (351)

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