When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
