it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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