I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
