dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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