it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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