Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
