your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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