I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
