You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
