you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
