i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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