So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
