I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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