I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
