Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
