No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
