So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
