not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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