fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
whose parrot is this?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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