I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
