smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
there is glitter all over my balls
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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