the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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