I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
