WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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