In the future we'll all be gay
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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