I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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