i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
