tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
