I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.