if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.