She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.