no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
