You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
