Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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