I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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