the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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