I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
