All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
