He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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