Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
not ubering you a puppy
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
