I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
