You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
