I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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