Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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