he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
